"It was March 2006 when our world fell apart.
Me and my husband met when I was 30 and we quickly married. We tried for a baby straight away and I fell pregnant on our honeymoon in 2004. Sadly the pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage quite early on. I was devastated but knew this was definitely what I wanted in life.. to be a mum.
It would take us another year before I finally fell again. I was elated but also a little apprehensive of getting to that 12 week mark. It came and went and all was well (we thought).
It wasn’t until we went for our 20 week scan, full of excitement on seeing our baby, that our lives changed in an instant.
It was a blur.. silence in the songraphers room, being told she needed to go and get a doctor.. being scanned again.. then taken to a room to be told our baby wasn’t presenting with the correct measurements. We were told he or she could possibly have dwarfism. A total shock. Never did it cross my mind that our baby could possibly have a disability.
Because the hospital we were at didn’t have the knowledge we then had a trip to the queen Victoria in London. This was a major turning point! In the days leading up to this we knew we wanted our baby with or without a disability and we had a new hope. Unfortunately dwarfism wasn’t our only problem. We found out that our baby had a rare condition meaning that as well as the limbs not growing properly neither were the internal cavities (ie rib cage) meaning as the internal organs grew there wouldn’t be enough room for them to work. The decisions we were left with were horrendous. Either carry on with the pregnancy and the baby would most probably die in the womb, if the pregnancy got to the delivery stage and baby survived that, he/she would be on life support that would eventually have to be switched off. Our baby would suffer so much.
I can’t tell you how hard that decision was to make when you can feel a life moving around inside of you. But a decision we made. To stop the suffering of our much wanted baby.
The next few weeks were the worst of our lives. No words can describe going into hospital one morning pregnant knowing we would be leaving empty handed.
It was a hard, cruel labour & because of my emotions I refused to hold or see my baby (a decision I have regretted ever since & always will). I spent months in a depressed state but came out the other side, went back to work, carried on.
It wasn’t until 8 years later it all came back at me ten fold! Smacking me in the face like a truck. I hadn’t seen my baby girl (we had found out the sex), I hadn’t held my baby girl, I hadn’t named my baby girl.
I went on to have counselling and that enabled me to look at the pictures that had been taken by the hospital staff of my beautiful girl. It was a momentous day and one I will never forget. My husband has never wanted to see them. Maybe one day he will.
We decided to name her Hope. Our beautiful girl wasn’t meant to be here but she made me a very different person. We are now parents to two beautiful girls. Something that was so hard to do. But they are my world & one day when they are older I will tell them about their sister.
There is Hope. Life does go on and you can be happy. I will always carry her with me in my heart and love her forever."